Lord of the Monty Python - Pro

The Prologue

(Howard Shore’s ominous soundtrack ‘The Prophecy’ plays ominously in the background… film company credits appear, as Galadriel’s voice whispers in the background )

Galadriel: (Narrates, alternating in Sindarin and Common speech) I amar prestar aen. The world is changed. Han mathon ne nen. I feel it in the water. Han mathon ne chae. I feel it in the earth. A han noston ned gwilith. I smell it in the air. Once that was is lost, and what isn’t is found again, and the world is full of confusion as this speech continues to run in circles, for none now live who remember it and those that live will soon forget it, because it wasn’t important anyway…

(The music swells up as the title appears: ‘Lord of the Monty Python’)

Galadriel: (Narrates) It began with the forging of the Great Rings. But since the Dark Lord Sauron promptly lost the One Ring because it was so small, he instead forged a copy of the Holy Grail and tried to convince everyone that it was the genuine article! He placed the grail-shaped beacon at the top of his Tower of Barad-dûr and proceeded to send out his Orcs to randomly kill people and smother the lands in a Second Darkness, since it’s logical that a guy bent on World Domination should destroy the world so that he only has a barren wasteland to rule over… but there were some that refused to believe that he had the real Holy Grail and resisted. A last alliance of Elves and Men, led by the High King Elendil, went forth to the plains before the Black Gates of Mordor and made a desperate stand to crush Sauron’s evil hordes and free Middle-Earth for good.

(Loud Mordor music plays as a huge battle with thousands of CGI extras rage across the Plateau of Gorgoroth within Mordor. Elrond of Rivendell is seen giving orders to Elves firing arrows and waving their cool long-handled swords about. The Orcs are quickly crushed under their superior might and Elendil cheers and holds his aloft mighty sword, Narsil)

Galadriel: (Narrates) Victory was near, forcing Sauron himself to enter the battlefield…

(Seeing the awkward situation his is in, Sauron appears in his hideous black armour and goes completely mental, hitting Elves and Men left, right and centre with a big black mace. Elendil tries to do battle with Sauron, but is struck down. Then another man rushes forward with a scream of rage: Isildur, son of Elendil)

Galadriel: (Narrates) It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the King, took up his father’s sword.

Isildur: You killed my Daddy!

Sauron: None shall pass!

Isildur: I must avenge my Daddy!

Sauron: Then you shall die!

Isildur: So be it!

(They fight. A vicious duel rages between the pair of them, until Isildur cuts off Sauron’s left arm. They both look surprised)

Isildur: Now I have the upper hand!

Sauron: ’Tis but a scratch!

Isildur: A scratch? Your arm’s off!

Sauron: I’ve had worse! Come on, you fight like an Elf!

(Isildur charges with a scream and the fight continues, Sauron fighting just as fiercely as ever. Suddenly he charges at Isildur and swings his mace. Isildur sidesteps and takes off his other arm with a neat swipe)

Isildur: Victory is mine!

Sauron: Come on then!

(Sauron kicks Isildur)

Isildur: What? But the fight is mine!

Sauron: Had enough, have you?

Isildur: Look, Orc-breath, you’ve got no arms left!

Sauron: Just a flesh wound.

(Sauron kicks Isildur again)

Isildur: Will you stop that!

(Sauron kicks Isildur again)

Isildur: Look, I’ll have your leg!

(Sauron kicks Isildur again)

Isildur: Right!

(Isildur hacks off Sauron’s leg. He continues hopping about madly)

Sauron: I’ll do you for that!

Isildur: You’ll what? What you gonna do, bleed on me?

Sauron: I’m invincible!

Isildur: You’re a loony!

Sauron: The Black Sauron always triumphs!

(Isildur rolls his eyes and takes off his other leg. Sauron still appears to be
trying to fight)

Sauron: You don’t know my true power!

Isildur: Well, it can’t be much now!

Galadriel: (Narrates) Sauron still refused to admit when he was defeated… and the hearts of Men are easily driven to infantile arguments.

(Isildur and Sauron are still arguing, so Isildur chops off Sauron’s head, and the helm falls to the ground with a very loud bang)

Galadriel: (Narrates) Even after Isildur chopped him up some more, Sauron refused to admit defeat – which is why he now appears throughout the rest of this story as only a Lidless Eye.

(The action fades to a Gilliam-style animated college of time passing slowly in Middle-Earth)

Galadriel: (Narrates) Isildur only stopped because he managed to break his sword with his last swing, so the shards of Narsil were taken back to Rivendell and have been carefully preserved ever since. Sometime after this, Isildur was tragically killed in an accident involving some Orcs and a wild killer rodent and it seems he left no heir – but he did…

(The Gilliam-style animation from the Prologue picks up where it left off, showing the passage of time passing slowly in Middle-Earth)

Galadriel: (Narrates) History became legend, legend became myth and for about three thousand years absolutely nothing happened. But now our story is about to begin as the time has come for Isildur’s heir to come forth, for Sauron has now prepared to put his Final Plan into action…

(Fade to black around an animated flaming Lidless Eyeball)