Lord of the Monty Python 3

The Return of the Grail

(Gilliam-style animation of a young Sméagol and Déagol sitting in a boat, fishing. Suddenly, Déagol gets pulled over the side by a big fish. Déagol suddenly resurfaces, gripping the struggling fish in his teeth like some fuzzy-haired otter. Abrupt cut to later scene. Sméagol’s Hobbit-hole. A giant scowling hedgehog stumps past and looks over the hill)

Spiny Norman: Dinsdale?

(Inside, Sméagol is cackling like mad scientist as he works on the fish. He then throws the fish to Déagol to examine. Unfortunately, it explodes unintentionally)

Sméagol: Oops…

(Next scene, Sméagol is kicked out of the clan by his family. The mob thrust Sméagol before a typically Gilliamesque humorous-looking Elf judge, of whose face only a very large powdered wig and a long nose can be seen)

Angry Mob: A witch! He’s a witch!

Elf Judge: How do you know he’s a witch?

Random guy 1: He turned me into a newt… (Awkward pause) I got better…

Elf Judge: And what has the accused to say?

Sméagol: Only one thing… Gollum! Gollum!

(Sméagol starts throwing more exploding fish about and running away, laughing like a maniac. Everyone stares after him in surprise)

Random guy 2: This is the silliest dream sequence I’ve ever been in!

Random guy 1: Shall we stop it?

Random guy 2: Yeah, all right!

(Suddenly cuts to the present, with Frodo waking up with a yelp)

Frodo: Sam, I told you to keep your cold feet off my back!

Sam: Sorry, Mr Frodo, but I just can’t get comfortable like this.

(The present-day Gollum appears at the entrance to their makeshift shelter)

Gollum: Come on, Hobbitses! Long ways to go yet! Yeeeess!

(The Hobbits sigh wearily and get up to follow their curious pyromaniac guide.
Meanwhile, on the road to Isengard, Gandalf is leading Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and King Théoden and his men, on horseback to Isengard and the Tower of Orthanc)

Gandalf: The battle for Helm’s Deep is over. The battle for Middle-Earth is about to begin.

Gimli: What battle was this? Did I miss something?

Gandalf: Well, Saruman did have 10’000 Uruk-hai knocking about Isengard, but apparently Éomer and his horseman galloped by, yelling out Rohan’s Funniest Joke. Most of them heard it and died laughing, while others seriously injured themselves with stitches in their sides.

Gimli: Ah well… maybe when we get to Isengard, we can polish off what’s left of them?

(Gimli wields his axe recklessly and falls off the horse. Legolas’ shirt is revealed to have words written on the back on his shirt in Elvish script, “If you are reading this, the Dwarf fell off!”)

Legolas: I think the Uruks are already getting a heavy “lumber” brought upon them by those whose “bark” is matched only by their bite. And who “wood” want to get on the wrong “branch” with an Ent?

(Gimli groans. Éomer looks smug)

Éomer: My influence is rubbing off on you!

Gimli: If the jokes get any worse around here nothing can save Middle-Earth!

Gandalf: Behold! The Ents have gone to war!

(As Isengard comes into plain view, the company can see dozens of Ents striding about the grounds, smashing up the Orcs in various interesting ways. It’s like a scene from an Asterix the Gaul comic! Above Isengard, they also see some of the Ents broaching the dam that was built there, causing a flood)

Aragorn: Right glad I am that they’re on our side!

Théoden: Aye! Otherwise, I’d really be barking up the wrong tree!

Aragorn: “Fell” deeds awake, eh?

Théoden: Better not mention felling to the Ents, or they’ll “axe” you!

(As the Ents finish their work and the floodwaters begin to recede, the company move cautiously forward. The Ents watch their approach, but make no move to waylay them. Only Treebeard steps forward, with Merry and Pippin sat in his bows, to greet the newcomers. The Hobbits laugh cheerfully)

Merry: Welcome, my lords, to Isengard!

Pippin: Treebeard here has taken over management.

Treebeard: Ahhh, young Master Gandalf! The Ents who say ‘Ni’ welcome you to Isengard! Wood and water, rock and stone, I can master. But there’s a wizard to manage here. Locked his tower, I have.

Ents: Ni! Ni! Ni!

Théoden: (Winces at the word) Truly, the Ents are an ancient force of nature to be feared and respected!

Gimli: A merry dance ye’ve led us, young Hobbits.

Aragorn: Come, Master Meriadoc and Master Peregrine. Time you weren’t here. We still have the battle for Middle-Earth to win yet.

Pippin: Oh dear, where will it end?

Gandalf: Hopefully, when Frodo reaches Mordor and puts the big plan into action that will rid us of Sauron and his False Grail.

Merry: Ah well. Better get going now, then…

(The Hobbits climb down from Treebeard, and Gandalf, Aragorn and Théoden move forward to meet them – but a loud voice rings out and stops them short)

Saruman: Stop‼

(They all look up to see Saruman perched on top of the Tower of Orthanc, with Gríma Wormtongue lurking behind)

Saruman: He who would enter Isengard, must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. And if you get the questions wrong, you will be thrown into the Pit of Isengard!

Aragorn: Ask your questions, Saruman, I’m not afraid!

Gandalf: Careful, Aragorn. Beware the power of his voice.

Saruman: What… is your name?

Aragorn: It is Aragorn, son of Arathorn.

Saruman: What… is your quest?

Aragorn: To assist in the plan to defeat Sauron and reclaim the throne of Gondor.

Saruman: What… it is Elvish word for friend?

Aragorn: Mellon.

Saruman: Right. Off you go, then!

Aragorn: Oh, thanks! Merry?

(Aragorn moves forward and helps Merry into the saddle in front of him. Théoden decides to move in and confront Saruman)

Saruman: Stop! What… is your name?

Théoden: Théoden, son of Thengal. King of Rohan.

Saruman: What… is your quest?

Théoden: I would have words with you, Saruman.

Saruman: Err… oh, I see. What… has become of our friendship? Can we not take council as we once did? Can we not have peace?

Théoden: We shall have peace… we shall have peace when you answer for the burning of the Westfold and the women and children that lay dead there. When the blood of the men who were hewn even as they lay dead against the gates of the Hornburg are avenged. When you hang from a gibbet for the sport of your own crows… we shall have peace!

(There is a long shocked silence. When nothing happens to Théoden, even Saruman has to admit that he has answered correctly. But he blusters)

Saruman: Gibbets and crows! Dotard!

Théoden: Gríma, you were once a man of Rohan. Come down.

(Gríma looks like he’s willing to repent, but Saruman isn’t finished yet)

Saruman: What is Rohan but a great thatched barn? Victory does not belong to you Théoden Horsemaster!

Théoden: Be free of him, Gríma.

(Gríma moves to the stairs leading down from the tower summit)

Saruman: Stop! What… is your name?

Wormtongue: (Sourly) Gríma, son of Galmod. But my friends… (Meaningful glare at Saruman) …call me Wormtongue!

Gimli: (Mutters to Legolas) He’s got some nice friends…

Saruman: What… is your quest?

Wormtongue: To return to respectable society and serve my former master, Théoden King.

Saruman: What… is the Common Tongue translation of Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk, agh burzum-ishi krimpatul? (The Ring-spell)

Wormtongue: (Dumbfounded) I don’t know that! Aaaaaaaaargh‼

(Wormtongue is flung skywards and plummets hundreds of feet into the Pit of Isengard. Théoden looks on in horror, as Saruman laughs coldly)

Gandalf: Saruman!

Saruman: Stop! What… is your name?

Gandalf: Some call me Gandalf the White. Others call me Mithrandir.

Saruman: What… is your quest?

Gandalf: To ensure the defeat of Sauron the Dark Lord.

Saruman: What… is the Elvish translation of “Hear my voice, come back to the light”?

Gandalf: What do you mean? The Quenya-Elvish or the Sindarin-Elvish?

Saruman: Uh? I don’t know that! Aaaaaaaaargh‼

(Saruman flies into the air, plummets towards the Pit of Isengard, but instead misses it and ends up impaled on a spiked gear wheel from one of his own machines. Everyone reacts painfully)

Éomer: Well, if that doesn’t prick his conscience, nothing will!

(A large round object falls from Saruman’s lifeless hand. Seeing this, Pippin quickly wades across and retrieves it. It is the Palantír of Orthanc. Gandalf quickly moves in with Shadowfax)

Gandalf: I’ll take that, my lad. Quickly, now!

(Pippin reluctantly hands it over. He then helps Pippin into his saddle and the company take their leave of Isengard)

Treebeard: Now that Saruman has no need of them anymore, my friends, we may as well have… his shrubberies!

(Dramatic chord)

Ents: Ni! Ni! Ni!

(With the excited squeals of the Ents still ringing in their ears, the company return to Edoras to celebrate their victory)

Gandalf: But still no word from Frodo.

Aragorn: Every day bring him closer to Mordor.

Gandalf: How can we be sure?

Aragorn: What does your heart tell you?

Gandalf: Frodo is alive? Yes, he’s alive.

(Gollum has led Frodo and Sam up into the secret pass into Mordor. The place looks pretty desolate and there appear to be bones of Elves, Men and Orcs scarttered about everywhere)

Gollum: We warns you, Hobbitses, there is a fierce creature in these parts. Soft and quick as shadows we must be!

Frodo: We’d better be ready, Sam.

Sam: Yes, Mr Frodo.

Gollum: Stop!

(Dramatic chord! They stop but all that can be seen is a very tiny spider)

Gollum: There she is!

Sam: Where? All I see is that spider?

Gollum: It is the spider!

Sam: You ’orrible little maggot! You got us all worked up about a little spider? What are yer? An arachnophobe?

Gollum: But that’s no ordinary spider! That’s Shelob! The most foul, cruel and bad-tempered insect they ever clapped eyeses on!

Frodo: Oh, I’ll show you how foul it is! Watch me!

(Frodo goes to step on the spider, but Shelob suddenly leaps up and kicks him in the head with a tiny leg, sending him flying backwards to smack his head on a rock! Sam looks on in amazement, while Gollum laughs insanely)

Gollum: We warned you? But they thought they knows better!

Sam: Oh, quiet, you!

(Back at Edoras, Gandalf is still thinking about Frodo)

Gandalf: Yes, he’s alive, but he’s probably got it much easier than us!

Pippin: Aaaaaaaaargh‼

Gandalf: Eru save us! What now?

Merry: Gandalf, help!

(They run over to find Pippin lying stunned on the floor, next to the palantír)

Gandalf: (Sighs) I told him not to play with that thing! Now I’ll just have to ride ahead to Minas Tirith with him to make sure Sauron’s forces don’t get him!

Théoden: And Rohan will answer Gondor’s call for aid now… just to get through the rest of this story as fast as possible!

(Gandalf rides off with Pippin. Meanwhile, within a short space of time, the Rohirrim muster their forces. Merry approaches Théoden)

Merry: I offer you my service, Théoden King.

Théoden: Well, Master Merriadoc… only if you can cut down the tallest tree in the forest with… a herring!

(Dramatic chord)

Merry: Are you joking, my lord?!

Théoden: (Winks) Of course! Right gladly I accept your service, Merriadoc, a squire of Rohan. But seriously, I’m afraid you would be too small to participate in the impending battle, though.

Merry: Awww!

(Théoden gallops off, leaving Merry standing there. But then, suddenly, another rider hikes him up into the saddle. The rider is very familiar, despite her disguise)

Éowyn: Ride with me.

Merry: My lady!

(At the pass of Cirith Ungol, Sam has revived Frodo, but their passage is still blocked by the tiny spider Shelob)

Sam: There’s no point trying to fight that thing alone. We must make a group effort.

Frodo: But there’s only five of us…

Sam: Three. Never mind. Chaaaaaarge‼

(They charge and attack Shelob, but Gollum deliberately hangs back, letting Frodo and Sam take most of the beating and eventually get thrown back by the spider’s strong little legs! They flee to a safe distance)

Frodo: Run away! Run away‼

(Gollum cackles madly)

Gollum: We told you there’s no way of beating that thing!

Frodo: Oh, how are we going to get to Mordor?

Sam: Wait! I have an idea!

Frodo: What?

(Sam grabs Gollum and shoves him at Shelob)

Gollum: Aaaaaaaaargh‼

Sam: Now!

(Frodo and Sam hurry past as Shelob and Gollum fight furiously)

Gollum: Filthy little Hobbitses!

(As the Hobbits make their passage into Mordor, other critical events have unfolded before the gates of Minas Tirith. Finding Sauron’s host of 200,000 assaulted Orcs, evil Men, Trolls and other nasty things besieging the White City, Théoden has rallied his force of some 6,000 horsemen for the biggest cavalry charge in filming history)

Théoden: Shields shall be shaken. Spears shall be splintered. A sword day. A red day. Ere the Sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride for ruin and the world’s ending! Death!

Rohirrim: Death! Death‼

Théoden: Forth Eolingas!

(A profoundly moving cavalry charge sequence follows. The Orc archers retaliate, but one mounted warrior is worth a good 20 Orcs in battle! The Rohirrim plough through them like a scythe through wheat.
Meanwhile, in the upper level of Minas Tirith, Gandalf and Pippin watch the proceedings with mounting hope. The wizard turns to face two other spectators: Denethor, Steward of Gondor, and Faramir his surviving son)

Gandalf: Well, Steward? Aren’t you going to help us?

Denethor: I’m not having that Aragorn son of Arathorn depose me! Let them die in battle – for die we must. Against the power that has risen in Mordor, there is no victory.

Faramir: The Grail is a lie, father. Let me lead our soldiers to battle!

Denethor: A chance for Faramir, Captain of Gondor to show his quality, eh?

Faramir: Well, why not? Would you rather our places had been exchanged? That I had died and Boromir had lived?

Denethor: (Suddenly yelling) Boromir was loyal to me, not some wizard’s pupil!

(Denethor randomly pulls out a jug of oil, pours it over himself and self-immolates himself on the nearest fire. Gandalf rolls his eyes)

Gandalf: So passes Denethor, son of Ecthelion. Ah well, looks like it’s up to us, eh, Farry?

Faramir: Count me in, Gandalf! I’m eager to show my quality!

(Faramir pulls out his sword and runs off, yelling enthusiastically)

Gandalf: (To camera) Well, we’re only young once. (Yells over the walltop) Prepare for battle!

(The Gondor forces converge on the breached main gate and redouble their efforts. Suddenly, an eerie ethereal green shadow falls across the Pelennor Fields. The remainder of Sauron’s forces appear to have been attacked from the river by an army of ghosts. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli come trailing in their wake. Gandalf seems surprised)

Gandalf: Aragorn? You never told me you had contacts in the underworld!

Aragorn: Well, Lord Elrond confided in me that the Army of the Dead, cursed by my ancestor Isildur, must answer to the King of Gondor. Since I carry Andúril, I guess that’s me!

Gimli: It’s rather convenient, actually.  They’re handy in a tight spot, despite the fact they’re dead!

(As they’re talking, the battle is won. The King of the Dead confronts Aragorn)

Ghost King: OK, you gave us your word. Release us!

Aragorn: I hold your oath fulfilled. Be at peace.

(The ghosts vanish)

Gandalf: Too bad that there’s still a host of Orcs standing between Frodo and Sauron’s fortress…

Aragorn: You might have mentioned that a bit sooner! The ghosts have gone now!

(Éomer rides up)

Éomer: Good news and bad news, guys.

Legolas: Let’s get the bad out of the way first.

Éomer: The bad news is that King Théoden fell bravely in battle. As a result, I find myself becoming the next King of Rohan. I hadn’t expected it to be so soon.

Gandalf: And what about the good news?

Éomer: Well, apparently, my sister Éowyn and that young Gondor captain, Faramir, were wounded trying to save Théoden – they’ll be OK, but now they’re in the Houses of Healing, and it seems that they’ve fallen in love.

Everyone: Awww!

(They are joined by Pippin, supporting a limping Merry)

Gandalf: Meriadoc? Where did you come from?

Merry: I came with Lady Éowyn to help my friends – and managed to kill a few bad guys while I was at it!

Pippin: And I helped!

Gandalf: It’s as I always said. Hobbits truly are amazing creatures!

Aragorn: Yes, indeed.

Gandalf: Anyway… next stop, the Black Gate of Mordor!

Éomer: What’s the plan, Gandalf?

Gandalf: To draw Sauron’s Eye away from Mordor and to draw his forces to us and leave a clear passage for Frodo and Sam to get through. As for his part in this plan… well, I’d ruin the punchline if I told you!

(Later, at the Black Gate)

Aragorn: Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth, that justice be done upon him.

(The Black Gate opens a notch, and a single horseman rides out. A particularly unsavoury looking individual wearing long black robes and a helm that completely covers his head, except for an enormous pale mouth with cracked lips, brown teeth and a black tongue. He has a strong French accent)

Mouth: My master, Sauron the Great, bids thee welcome. And who eez zeess? Eez zere anyone in zeess rabble wid authority to treat wid me?

Gandalf: We do not come to treat with Sauron, faithless and accursed!

Mouth: Aha, old greybeard! I blow my nose at you, you and your silly Gondor kennnnn-nigits! (blows raspberry)

(Pippin and Merry look horrified and seem about to make some remark)

Merry: He can’t talk to you like that!

Pippin: What a strange person!

Gandalf: Silence!

Mouth: Aha! You Halflings! I fart in your general direction!

(Aragorn decides things have gone on long enough. He approaches the Mouth of Sauron to try and reason with him)

Aragorn: Now look, we are trying to be reasonable. We just want Sauron to disband his forces and stop being a bad boy!

Mouth: Aha! Eet takes more to make a King than a broken Elvish blade! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

(Aragorn winces emotionally)

Aragorn: Don’t talk about my mother!

(Aragorn decapitates him with his sword)

Gimli: Guess that concludes negotiations…

(The Black Gate starts to open wide and Orc forces pour out in their thousands. Seeing this, the main characters retreat to where the main combined army of Rohan and Gondor await them)

Aragorn: Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan! My brothers. I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of Men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the Age of Men comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!

(The Free Peoples prepare to take their stand.
Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam have reached the plains of Gorgoroth in Mordor. They have travelled for days across this barren rocky grey desert, as the Orcs have been moving off to prepare to meet Aragorn’s force. Now they are within a few hundred yards of the Tower of Barad-dûr)

Sam: Now, Mr Frodo, time to reveal the plan to the audience!

Frodo: Yes, Sam. I must…

(He pulls a large round object out of his vest, carefully wrapped in Elvish cloth. He pulls the cloth off to reveal what it is)

Frodo: I must use the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! But… I’m afraid to do it…

Sam: Come on, Mr Frodo! What are you waiting for? Just count five…

Frodo: Three.

Sam: …three, and throw it!

Frodo: I can’t…

Sam: I’ll count for you! One… two…

Frodo: Sam…

Sam: I can’t throw it for you, Mr Frodo… but I can throw you!

(Before Frodo can react, Sam picks him up and throws him at the Dark Tower, still holding the Holy Hand Grenade)

Frodo: Aaaaaaaaargh‼

(There follows an earsplitting nuclear explosion and a mushroom cloud in the shape of a cross. The Dark Tower is shaken to its foundations and the blast flings Frodo into the air. He cannons backwards into Sam)

Sauron: What the…?!

(Sauron’s Eye swivels about wildly at the summit of Barad-dûr. He spots the two Hobbits. He has a brief moment to pronounce some swearwords in Black Speech, and then the Dark Tower falls with a great crash. He screams in terror, as the flaming Eye is buried beneath the rubble and is extinguished with a hiss. A loud bang, which sends rubble flying, announces the final passing of the dark Maia spirit)

Frodo: It’s gone! It’s done!

Sam: Yes, Mr Frodo! It’s over now! All over the place!

(Meanwhile, the dark forces are still charging at the Army of Gondor and Rohan, and they are themselves preparing to make a stand – when suddenly some very 21st Century policecars pull up and several policemen run out and apprehend all the Orcs and trolls)

Policeman: Right, stop it! You scoundrels are all under arrest for disturbing the peace of Middle-Earth! Come along quietly!

(As the evil forces are corralled and driven away, the Army of Gondor and Rohan are left standing in surprise)

Gandalf: Well, I didn’t see that coming!

Aragorn: Neither did I!

(Long pause)

Aragorn: Well, now what?

Gandalf: (Shrugs) Call it “The End” I guess?

Aragorn: Yeah, all right.

( The words “The End” appear. The Army disperses, chatting away casually, as they all to go back to Minas Tirith. Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Merry and Pippin stay where they are for a while, reflectively watching as Gwaihir and his Eagles fly overhead to go and collect Frodo and Sam.
During the credits, the eight surviving Fellowship members are reunited, Aragorn becomes King of Gondor, the Hobbits are honoured for their courage, Faramir and Éowyn are married and finally King Éomer and the Rohirrim leave to return to Rohan.
Post-credits ending. The Hobbits return to the Shire)

Sam: Well, I’m back.