Lord of the Monty Python 2

The Two Towers (That Sank into the Swamp)

Aragorn: The story so far…

(Gilliam-style animation of Gandalf and the Balrog falling into the chasm of Khazud-dûm)

Gandalf: Aaaaaaaaargh‼

Aragorn: Meanwhile… we are still kinda busy, too…

(Cut to live-action shots of the Three Hunters – Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli running westwards in hot pursuit of the Uruk-hai that abducted Merry and Pippin. The  Fellowship theme plays in the background, with undertones of the King Arthur theme)

Gimli: Och, keep breathing, Gimli! That’s the key! Breathe!

Legolas: They run as if the very whips of their masters were behind them!

(Suddenly, Aragorn pulls up sharply, causing his companions to cannon into him from behind, sending them sprawling)

Gimli: What did ye stop for, laddie?

Aragorn: Legolas, what to your Elf-eyes see?

Legolas: Someone comes…

(Coming into view, they see a company of Rohan soldiers galloping across the plain – in any case, they are skipping along with one foot ahead of the other and banging coconuts together as if riding imaginary horses!)

Aragorn: (Calls out) Riders of Rohan! What news from the Mark?

(The company swerves and moves in to surround them. Their leader Éomer confronts them, looking very serious)

Éomer: You wouldn’t happen to know any good jokes, would you?

Gimli: Tell me your joke, horse-master, and I will tell you mine!

Éomer: I would cut off your head, Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground.

(Legolas draws his bow)

Legolas: You would die before your stroke fell!

Aragorn: Legolas! Havo dad! (Sit down!)

Éomer: That was a joke.

Gimli: And this is my joke! (Gimli curses in Dwarfish)

Éomer: (Puzzled) I don’t get it…

Aragorn: It was not so courteous. But why all this talk of humour?

Éomer: Because my father no longer recognises a joke when he hears it. Not even from his own kin.

Aragorn: Oh, I see. Anyway, we track a band of Uruk-hai across the Western Plain. They captured two of our friends.

Éomer: The Uruk’s are destroyed. We told them Rohan’s Funniest Joke and made them all die laughing!

Gimli: But there were two Hobbits. What about them

Aragorn: They would be small – only children to your eyes.

Éomer: We piled the carcases and burned them. We didn’t find any… Hobbits, though. We are not certain. Anyway…

(He signals to his men, who comes forward and hands Aragorn and Legolas some spare coconut shells)

Éomer: May these horses bear you to better fortune than their former masters. And… (Sings) Always look on the bright side of life!

(Éomer and his company gallop off, leaving Aragorn and his companions to go on their way.
Meanwhile, in Fangorn Forest, Merry and Pippin are forcing their way through tangled undergrowth as they try to find somewhere safe to shelter)

Merry: Whew! Lucky thing those guys with the coconuts showed up!

Pippin: Oh aye! And a lucky thing that my sharp wit managed to saw through our ropes at an opportune moment!

Merry: Errr, how did we escape, exactly?

Pippin: The viewers would never believe me if I told you…

Treebeard: Barrarum‼

(Dramatic chord! The Hobbits stop sharply to find themselves confronted by a fourteen-foot-high person that looks like a long-legged tree with a twiggy beard. Other treelike beings lurk in the background)

Treebeard: Little Orcs…

Pippin: The tree is talking, Merry!

Treebeard: Tree? I am no tree. I am an Ent!

Merry: A tree-herder?

Treebeard: Treebeard, some call me, and we are the Ents who say ‘Ni’!

Ents: Ni! Ni! Ni!

(The Hobbits wince)

Merry: Few who hear such words live to tell the tale!

Pippin: And whose side are you on?

Treebeard: Side? We are on nobody’s side, little Orcs, because nobody is on our side. Nobody cares for the woods anymore.

Merry: We’re not Orcs, we’re Hobbits. Halfings.

Treebeard: Hobbits? Never heard of a Hobbit before.

Pippin: What do you want of us, Mr  Treebeard?

Treebeard: We are holding… Entmoot.

Ents: Ni! Ni! Ni!

(The Hobbits wince)

Treebeard: The wizard Saruman has been found guilty of a treachery for which there is no curse in Elvish, Entish or the tongues of Men. He has been cutting down our trees at the edge of Fangorn Forest to fuel his furnaces and has destroyed… our shrubberies!

(Dramatic chord!)

Ents: Ni! Ni! Ni!

Merry: Oh, please! Stop doing that! We’ll help you!

Treebeard: We have been standing here in council for the past three days, talking – because it takes a long time to say anything in old Entish – and we have just agreed…

(Dramatic chord! This is followed by a long pause, during which the Hobbits get impatient for further information)

Pippin: Yes?

Treebeard: We have decided… that the Ents are going to war. And we are going to get our own back on Saruman by… stealing his shrubberies!

(Dramatic chord! The Hobbits exchange glances)

Pippin: And what about us?

Treebeard: I believe we may agree that you are not Orcs.

Merry: Well, that’s good news. But can’t we help?

Treebeard: Now don’t be hasty. We’ll talk about that later. But for now, we must begin the Last March of the Ents.

(The March of the Ents theme plays. Treebeard picks up the two Hobbits and he heads off, followed by the other Ents, all muttering ‘Ni’ as they go.
Sometime later, the Three Hunters arrive on the scene, Aragorn examining tracks as he goes)

Aragorn: These are strange tracks… the Hobbits ran this way… and then…

Legolas: It’s as if the forest has swallowed them up.

Gimli: Ach! Next, ye’ll be saying a tree grew legs and walked off with ’em! Pull the other one, pointy-ears!

(Legolas glares at Gimli, but then something else grabs his attention)

Legolas: Aragorn, mad no ennas! (Something’s out there!)

Aragorn: Oh great! More trouble!

Legolas: The White Wizard approaches!

Gimli: Saruman?

(As they look all around, they fail to see the white cloaked figure creeping in on them from their blind side, behind a tree)

Aragorn: Do not let him speak. He will put a spell on us!

(Legolas points in the opposite direction to the cloaked figure’s hiding place)

Legolas: I sense he will spring out from that direction.

(Gimli readies his axe)

Gimli: Let him come! I’m ready!

(The white figure jumps out behind them, masked by the light from his glowing robes)

Figure: Boo‼

(Everyone spins around in surprise – Legolas with a girly Elvish scream!)

Aragorn: On guard, Saruman!

Gimli: Baruk Khazâd‼

Legolas: Dolle naa lost! (Your head is empty!) You made me soil my tights, I was so scared!

Aragorn: (Mutters) Legolas, amin feuya ten' lle… (You disgust me…)

Gimli: Phaw! Go and stand over there, Elf!

(As Legolas moves to a respectable distance, the light fades a little to reveal the mysterious figure’s identity to the Three Hunters)

Aragorn: I’m sorry about this, Saru… Gandalf?!

Gandalf: Gandalf? Gandalf, yes. That was my name.

Gimli: We thought you were dead.

Gandalf: As far as this world was concerned, I was in a way… through fire and water, from the deepest dungeon to the highest peak I fought him, the Balrog, Durin’s Aaaaaaaaargh – I was stretched to the limit of my powers and the chances for victory seemed slim. Until Weta Digital’s main computer drive suffered a fatal head-crash and accidentally deleted the Balrog character model. The CGI peril was no more! And so there I was, stuck on the peak of Zirakzigil with no means of getting down. The entrance to the Endless Stair, which we had somehow ascended in the heat of battle, was blocked. So I was forgotten. Until finally, Eru Ilúvatar the God of all came to me. He told me that I had my task to complete here in Middle-Earth, and so He promoted me to Gandalf the White, since Saruman has betrayed our cause, and sent the Great Eagle, Gwaihir the Windlord, to bear me to Lothlórien where I received shelter and healing.

Legolas: Well, that’s good news!

Gandalf: OK, boys. Our next stop is Edoras. We need to have a chat with the King, Théoden, whose mind is overthrown by an ill device of Saruman. To overthrow the merry old land of Rohan, he has crushed his sense of humour, so we have to make him laugh!

Gimli: But what about poor Merry and Pippin, lost in this dank, dark, creepy tree-infested…

(An ominous angry groaning emanates from the trees)

Gimli: Uh, I mean charming… quite charming… honest!

Gandalf: My first is in lean, but not in thin,
My second starts nut, but ends a grin,
My third is the centre of ate, if you would,
My whole is ancient and looks after the wood.

Aragorn: In one way you haven’t changed. You still speak in riddles!

Gandalf: Well, while you’re figuring it out, let’s be on our way.

(Gandalf pulls out two grand-looking coconut shells, pale in colour with golden hairs growing all over them)

Gandalf: Shadowfax! He’s the Lord of all Horses, and he’s been my friend through many dangers. Ride, Shadowfax, and show us the meaning of haste.

(The White Rider and his companions produce their coconuts and gallop off towards the southwest, out of Fangorn Forest)

Legolas: Meanwhile, I wonder what the heck happened to Frodo and Sam… cue a jump-cut to another scene!



(Frodo and Sam are still lost in Emyn Muil, from when they set out for Mordor on their own)

Frodo: I wondered when they’d get back to us…

Sam: Mordor, the one place in Middle-Earth we don’t want to see any closer, and it’s the one place we’re trying to get to. And it’s just where we can’t get to. Mr Frodo, I don’t think we’re getting anywhere. I recognise this place.

Frodo: How?

Sam: Because I wrote my name on this rock every time we passed it.

(Sam pulls out a knife and etches his name on the rock, which already has his name written all over it several times)

Frodo: I think we may need a bit of help…

(They are startled by a sudden explosion of fire in the distance)

Sam: Mount Doom seems to be flaring up closer than usual.

Frodo: I don’t think it’s Mount Doom…

(Another explosion. This time, they see a small gangly figure in the distance, wearing a ragged loincloth. It waves its arms about and emits a gargling cackle and there is another explosion)

Frodo: What manner of creature can summon up fire without a match?

Sam: A wizard?

Frodo: That’s beside the point.

(More explosions, and suddenly the skinny little figure is right in front of the Hobbits. He’s not unlike an exceedingly ancient Hobbit himself)

Gollum: Gollum! Gollum! What are nasssty little Hobbitses doing in these parts?

Sam: Back off, you filthy creature!

Frodo: (Yells at)Sam! (Turns back to Gollum) What the hell are you, old man?

Gollum: There are some who call us… Gollum!

(Gollum pulls out a little fish and randomly throws it across the rocky plains. It explodes in a fireball)

Frodo: Errr, Gollum.

Gollum: No, not Gollum! (Pronounces it through a violent cough) Gollum! Gollum!

Frodo: (Coughs) Gollum‼

Gollum: That’s it! (Coughs) Gollum‼

Frodo: (Coughs) Gollum‼

Sam: All right, cut it out, you two! You make me wanna puke up a furball, going on like that!

(Gollum throws a fish in Sam’s direction, who winces as it explodes near him)

Sam: Well, let’s not waste any more of your time…

Frodo: I don’t suppose you happen to know a way into Mordor, though?

Gollum: Yes.

Frodo: I didn’t think… (Slow reaction) You do?!

Gollum: Yes!

Frodo: Well, if you could lead us to the Black Gate or something…

Gollum: Ah!

(Gollum throws more exploding fish about)

Gollum: You’d be wasting your time there. The Black Gate is closed. But there is another way… more secret… a staircase and… a tunnel.

Frodo: Very well. Take us there.

Gollum: Then follow me, but only if you be Hobbitses of true valour. For this road is guarded by a terrible creature, so cruel that no one has ever fought it and lived… bones of Men and Elves and Orcses lies scattered all around its hideous lair! Come no further if you be pansy sissies, for death awaits you with nasssty pointed teeth!

Sam: What an eccentric performance…

Frodo: Sam… we’ve encountered more than our fair share of ‘terrible creatures’ already!

Sam: Nevertheless, Mr Frodo, we must try.

Gollum: Well…?

Sam: Look, if you could lead us out of this rocky labyrinth for a start!

(Gollum jumps up to the side of the pass and points beyond it, revealing an obvious way out that the Hobbits had missed previously)

Gollum: See? See? We have led you out! Nice Hobbitses!

(Sam glances at Frodo, who shrugs it off)

Frodo: I knew about that all along!

(The Hobbits follow their curious guide out of Emyn Muil and down through the Dead Marshes.
Meanwhile, Gandalf and his friends have reached their destination)

Gandalf: Edoras, and the Golden Hall, Meduseld. Time to pay King Théoden a house call – but do not look for welcome here. Saruman has forbidden all laughter here.

(In the Golden Hall, Théoden is having words with his nephew, Éomer. The King of Rohan looks very old, grey and wrinkled with a despondent expression)

Théoden: Someday, lad, this will all be yours.

Éomer: Those curtains? They’re so dull.

Théoden: Not the curtains, you ninny. This whole kingdom.

Éomer: But Auntie…

Théoden: Uncle! I’m your Uncle!

Éomer: Uncle, I don’t want all that. I’d rather just tell jokes. Why do five men wear red suspenders? To keep their…

(A lurking figure quickly moves in. It is Gríma Wormtongue)

Wormtongue: Stop that! You’re not doing jokes while the king is here! Can’t you see that your uncle is wearied by all this humour. He’s much too old to enjoy jokes like he used to – he needs to look on more the serious side of life, since he’s got one foot in the grave. No pun intended…

Éomer: I can see why. It’s because he’s not allowed to exercise his chuckle-muscle these days – it’s dried up. It’ll drop off one of these days!

Wormtongue: That is a lie.

Éomer: It was supposed to be a joke!

Théoden: Listen, lad. This kingdom has been built up from nothing. People said it was daft to build a city on this mountain – so we built it up here, just to show ’em. It slid off the side, so we built a secondcity. That slid off the side. So we built a third city. That burned down, fell over then slid off the side. But this fourth one stayed up! And that’s what you’re going to get, as my only living heir – after my son Théodred recently died in such mysterious circumstances.

Éomer: He was killed by Uruk-hai under Saruman’s command.

Wormtongue: That is a lie. Saruman has ever been our friend and ally.

Éomer: Then he has a funny way of showing it. And I mean peculiar, as opposed to humorous!

(Éomer’s sister Éowyn enters. Théoden glances at her)

Théoden: (Sigh) Why can’t you think more about your responsibilities, like your brother here…?

Éowyn: I’m his sister, Uncle!

Théoden: Eh?

Éowyn: I’m your niece. I am no man! You look upon a woman!

Théoden: Oh yeah, sorry. I’m too old to see properly – Gríma says so.

(Suddenly, the doors burst open, and Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli rush in, still banging their coconuts)

Théoden: Couldn’t you leave your horses outside?

Wormtongue: Oh, horse manure! It’s that Gandalf nerd!

Gandalf: Théoden King, too long have you dwelt in boredom. I release you from this somnolent existence.

Wormtongue: Stop them! They’re not allowed to make the king happy!

(Wormtongue’s cronies attack the newcomers, but Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli beat them all down and the Dwarf flings himself upon the crooked advisor)

Gimli: I’d stay still if I were you, laddie!

Wormtongue: Ugh! Dwarf BO!

Éomer: What a fight! This reminds me of the time I threw a chicken bone to the dogs! My, what a scrap they put up, just for possession of that scrap of meat! Ha-ha‼

Aragorn: That’s nothing! You should have seen Legolas before he shampooed his hair the other day! My word, what a mess!

Legolas: Hey, at least I don’t fall of the horse like the Dwarf does!

Gandalf: Speaking of horses, I know a Rohan soldier with a wooden leg named Smith.

Gimli: What’s the name of his other leg?

(Everyone, except Wormtongue, lapse into helpless laughter – including Théoden, who abruptly looks several years younger and much more cheerful)

Éowyn: Uncle! You laughed!

Théoden: I know your face… Éowyn.

Gandalf: Breathe the free air again, Théoden King.

(Théoden pulls out his sword, but Wormtongue flees out the door, screaming)

Théoden: I ought to kill that leech.

Aragorn: Enough blood has been spilled on his account, my lord.

Théoden: Well, I ought to mortally wound him then.

Gandalf: Time enough for war later, but for the time being we must muster the Rohirrim in preparation for the third instalment of this story. And I don’t mean coconut shells this time – this really is serious!

(Gandalf smacks hits the floor with his staff, and their coconuts transform into real horses. They all mount them and ride out the door, except for Éowyn)

Eowyn: Will the Battle for Middle-Earth be won? Will I get more of a part in the story later on? Will the story begin to make sense? Guess I’ll have to wait until the next instalment.

(Éowyn looks to the east and sees, as if in a vision, a Gilliam-style animation of Frodo and Sam heading for Mordor, led by Gollum. Gollum’s song “You are lost” plays during fade out)