Lord of the Monty Python 1

The Fellowship of the Pythons

(Gilliam-style animated figures of a Man, an Elf and a Dwarf appear. The Man named Aragorn skips by, one foot ahead of the other, as though pretending to ride a horse. The Dwarf keeps up the pretence by running behind, banging two coconut shells together, as the Elf follows up, playing music on various period instruments. They gallop across several different abstract Gilliam-style backgrounds, finally reaching the village of Bree. The animation now fades to live-action. As they gallop along the street, Aragorn calls courteously to an ill-favoured looking peasant with sallow skin and shifty eyes)

Aragorn: I say, there. Old woman.

Bill Ferny: Man!

Aragorn: Oh, beg your pardon.

Bill Ferny: And I’m thirty-seven. I’m not old.

Aragorn: Well, I can’t just call you ‘Man’.

Bill Ferny: Call me ‘Bill Ferny’, you fascist.

Aragorn: I didn’t know that was your name.

Bill Ferny: Didn’t bother to find out, did you, Longshanks! And I object to how you automatically treat me like an inferior!

Aragorn: Well, I am the rightful King of Gondor!

Bill Ferny: Oh yeah? And how d’you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers!

Aragorn: What…?

Legolas: Look here, my man! Don’t you know who this is? He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance!

Aragorn: Havo dad, Legolas! (Sit down, Legolas!)

Bill Ferny: We don’t have kings at Bree. We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to runs things around here.

Aragorn: I see…

Bill Ferny: …but all the decisions of that chief have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting…

Aragorn: All right, be quiet!

Bill Ferny: …by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs…

Aragorn: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! I am your King!

Bill Ferny: Well, I didn’t vote for you.

Aragorn: You don’t vote for Kings! Listen… (Howard Shore’s theme for Gondor plays quietly on a lone trumpet in the background) My forefathers were descended from Isildur, son of Elendil, who was King of Gondor at the end of the Second Age of Middle-Earth. The line was broken, as was his mighty sword, Narsil. It has been remade and the sword of the King has been reforged as Andúril, the Flame of the West.

(The theme shifts to ‘Andúril’. Aragorn holds aloft the sword he wears at his side. It is indeed Narsil, sword of Elendil, reforged anew. Then Bill Ferny pipes up and the music stops abruptly with the sound of a record scratching)

Bill Ferny: Yeah, like that proves anything! Look, some broken blade stuck back together again by a lot of poncy blokes with long hair is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical pointy-earred pooftas.

Legolas: I say! Now that’s not nice!

Bill Ferny: Well, but you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just ’cause some ageless twits with long hair threw a sword at you!

(Aragorn grabs Bill Ferny by his shirt front and shakes him)

Aragorn: Just shut up, can’t you!

Bill Ferny: Help! I’m being repressed!

Gimli: Ach! Come away, laddie! Ye’re wasting yer time on this rabble!

(Aragorn shoves Bill Ferny away and the trio make their way off)

Aragorn: Stupid peasant!

Bill Ferny: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That’s what I’m on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn’t you?

Gimli: (Looks around critically and shakes his head) Ye find more cheer in a graveyard!

(Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli leave Bree, as a man with a cart walks past banging a small gong)

Cart Master: Bring out yer dead, bring out yer dead…

(Meanwhile. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli head into the wild, the Dwarf banging his coconut shells and the Elf playing music)

Legolas: Sings Bravely bold Sir Aragorn rode back to Rivendell.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Lord Aragorn.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Lord Aragorn!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Lord Aragorn!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his…

Aragorn: Hantale, Legolas! (Thank you, Legolas!) That’s quite enough singing!

Gimli: Yeah, that Elf is fair putting me off my supper!

Aragorn: Anyway, the wild is a dangerous place for singing…

(Suddenly, their way is blocked by a three-headed cave troll – like the trolls Bilbo encountered, they’re also called William, Bert and Tom! Dramatic chord!)

William: Blimey‼ Look what I copped!

Bert: You mean we copped! Don’t forget me and Tom!

Tom: And what ’ave we got here, then?

Legolas: Sings He is brave Lord Aragorn, brave Lord Aragorn…

Aragorn: Shut up! Look, I’m just passing through, so if you’d be so kind…

William: Oh, no! You’ve got t’stay fer dinner!

Aragorn: Now look here! I’m the rightful King of Gondor!

William: In that case, I’ll ’ave to kill you.

Bert: Oh, let me do it!

Tom: Oh, I don’t think so.

Bert: Well, what do you say?

William: I think kill ’im.

Tom: Oh, let’s be nice to ’im.

Will/Bert: Shut up!

Aragorn: Look, is all this really necessary?

William: And you can shut up too! Oh, come on! I wanna bite ’is ’ead off!

Tom: Oh, bite yer own ’ead off!

Bert: Yes, do us all a favour!

Aragorn: Look, friends. We’re clearly wasting our time here!

Gimli: I agree! Let’s kill it!

Legolas: No, there’s no need for that.

Gimli: Och, don’t be so namby-pamby!

Tom: You’re always going on and on, William.

Bert: You’re lucky. You’re not next to him.

William: What do you mean?

Bert: You snore!

William: Oh, I don’t. Anyway, you’ve got bad breath.

Tom: Well, it’s only because you don’t brush my teeth.

Legolas: No, I mean we don’t have to waste energy killing the troll, my friend. Look up there, the sun!

Gimli: Oh?

Aragorn: He’s right, Gimli! Come, let’s carry on our way.

Tom: Hey, is it getting lighter around here.

William: Nah, you must be imagining things.

Bert: No, he’s right! It is getting lighter.

William: No it isn’t!

Tom: Yes it is! Look up there, the sun!

William: Nah! That’s just a floating Silmaril.

Bert: Oh no! It is the sun!

(The three-headed troll looks up and finally realises the sun is out)

William: You’re right! It is the sun!

(There is a short pause before they realise)

Bert: No! The sun will turn us all to stone!

Tom: Oh no it won’t!

(William and Bert turn to stone)

Tom: Oh, knickers…‼

(Tom turns to stone. Meanwhile, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli carry on their way to Rivendell.
Later, at Rivendell, we are introduced to a scene of autumnal beauty and then we see four Hobbits enjoying their surroundings. This is Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Merriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took)

Merry: I say, what a beautiful place the Elves have here.

Pippin: Oh, aye! It’s a quality establishment. They don’t build council houses like these anymore.

(Just then, Frodo and Sam hear the singing of Elves. They slip across to a balcony, from where they can see the main entrance to Rivendell. A group of Elves is walking out through the gates, or on horseback. They are glowing with an ethereal light as they alternately chant mournfully in Quenya Elvish and bop themselves on the heads with small planks of wood)

Elves: Ai! Laurië lantar lassi súrinen,
Yéni únótimë ve rámar aldaron!
(Bonk!)
Yéni ve lintë yuldar avánier
Mi oromardi lisse-miruvóreva
Andúlë pella, Vardo tellumar.
(Bonk!)
Namárië! Nai hiruvalyë Valimar.
Nai elyë hiruva. Namárië!
(Ah! Like gold fall the leaves in the wind, long years numberless as the wings of trees! The years have passed like swift draughts of the sweet mead in lofty halls beyond the West, beneath the blue vaults of Varda. Farewell! Maybe thou shalt find Valimar. Maybe even thou shalt find it. Farewell!)

(Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam continue to look on)

Frodo: They're going to the harbour beyond the White Towers. To the Grey Havens.

Sam: They're leaving Middle-Earth.

Frodo: Never to return.

Sam: I don't know why - it makes me sad.

(An old man with a long beard and a grey robe approaches: Gandalf the Grey)

Gandalf: Frodo, Lord Elrond requests our presence in Council…

(Soon afterwards, Frodo and Gandalf are in attendance at the Council of Elrond. Several Elves, Men and Dwarves are also gathered around and Lord Elrond is chairing the meeting)

Elrond: Ahem, OK! Strangers from distant lands, friends of old you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction, none can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom. I was there three thousand years ago. I remember it all. Isildur defeated Sauron in battle – but he failed to destroy him outright. Now Sauron survives in the form of a great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame, and the only way for Middle-Earth to be saved is to destroy it.

(As Elrond drones on, nobody is listening to a word he’s saying)

Aragorn: I’m rightful King of Gondor, and I have to listen to all this?

Legolas: Amazing. I close my eyes and hold my breath at the same time and now I feel all dizzy…

Gimli: OK, laddie. Just look like ye understand what that important-looking Elf is jabbering about and ye’ll be fine…

Boromir: I have a feeling I forgot to lock my bedroom doors before I left. I know I did. Father will be furious when he sees my naughty magazines hidden under the mattress…

Frodo: Must finish my homework. Now the date of the Battle of Greenwater took place in… oh no! Elrond’s looking at me!

Elrond: Do you have anything to say about this matter?

Frodo: What? What did I do?

Elrond: Weren’t you thinking about the importance of this matter?

Frodo: Well, er…

Elrond: Was anybody paying attention?

Gimli: (Under his breath) Well, we couldn’t very easily follow all those big words…

(Elrond glares at Gimli, who reacts in shock by falling backwards with his chair)

Boromir: (Aloud) Oh, my father is so going to kill me when I get home!

Legolas: Still feeling dizzy… (Faints)

(Elrond face-palms, when Gandalf comes to his rescue)

Gandalf: Alright, stop it! This Council’s got silly! Just silly!

(Gandalf glares around the council, then turns to look at Aragorn)

Gandalf: At least Aragorn is paying attention…

Aragorn: (Muttering) I wonder if Elrond’s hairpiece is really a wig…

(Gandalf closes his eyes and swears in Elvish. Elrond is shocked)

Elrond: Never before has anyone uttered such words here in Imladris!

Gandalf: I do not ask you pardon, Master Elrond, but unless some sensible suggestions are made to destroy Sauron, his imitation Holy Grail may yet be seen in every corner of the west! Now listen up, you doughnut-brains! I have a plan – and for this plan, I need someone small who can nip into Mordor unseen…

(Gandalf glances pointedly at Frodo, who stares in disbelief. Then Samwise bursts out from the bushes)

Sam: Here! Mr Frodo’s not going anywhere without me!

Elrond: (Sighs) What part of “secret council” didn’t you understand…?

(Merry and Pippin also burst out of hiding)

Pippin: We’re coming too!

Merry: You’ll have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!

Pippin: Anyway, you need people of intelligence on this sort of… mission… quest… thing…

Merry: Well, that rules you out!

Elrond: Well, I guess you’ll have to go along together – just to make sure you don’t tell anyone else!

Gandalf: And it’s my plan so I’m going, so nyaa!

Aragorn: I’m King of Gondor, so it’s my responsibility to see this job done. You have my sword!

(Aragorn pulls out Andúril and throws it point first. Legolas and Gimli immediately spring up, one randomly firing an arrow, the other swinging his axe perilously)

Legolas: And you have my bow!

Gimli: And my axe!

(Gandalf is pinned to the pedestal at the centre of the Council area by the sword, arrow and axe through his robes)

Gandalf: Thank you, but I’d rather you kept your weapons in your hands!

Elrond: Hmmm, there’s only eight companions. We ought to make it a nice round number…

Boromir: I’d better cast in my lot!

(Boromir flings his sword and shield at Gandalf, who winces because the shield is rather heavy)

Boromir: Anyway, it’ll give me a break from Daddy!

Elrond: So be it! This makes you a Fellowship! Good luck with destroying Sauron. I myself will just stay here, being a misery-guts and saying depressing things to my daughter Arwen about spending the rest of her immortal days with a man that will die of old age.

Everyone: OK!

(They all go off. A Gilliam-style animation summarises the adventures of the Fellowship, with Frodo’s narrative in the background. The Fellowship characters are seen heading southward, parallel to the Misty Mountains)

Frodo: (Narrates) And so we finished up holding this course west of the Misty Mountains for the Valar knows how long. For some reason, I was considered the Pythonbearer – me, a random Hobbit who never said “boo” to a goose! It’s strange how things turn out. I even finished up narrating due to a tragedy that befell us later on. Due to the fact that Gandalf’s old wizard friend and head of the White Council, Saruman, had randomly decided to join with Sauron – apparently hoping to claim his false Grail for his own when his Eye was turned the other way – it was too risky to take the Gap of Rohan, since it passed Isengard. Our plan was to cross the Misty Mountains by the Pass of… Carrot-Truss?

Aragorn: Caradhras.

(The animation follows them over the frozen mountain pass of Caradhras, as snowflakes as big as the Hobbits batter them mercilessly and bury the animated characters up to their necks!)

Frodo: (Narrates) Yeah. Only, it seems that Caradhras decided to give spring and summer a miss and go straight back to winter. The snow was so heavy that the snowflakes bruised us when they landed! And so we ended up going through the Mines of Moria – and I wish I hadn’t agreed to it!

(The animation shifts the darkness of Moria, an animated Balrog appears)

Gandalf: Great Valinor! It’s the legendary Durin’s Aaaaaaaaargh‼

(The Balrog grabs Gandalf. They grapple in the air)

Gandalf: Fly, you fools!

Aragorn: Run away! Run away‼

(As they flee over the Bridge of Khazud-dûm, they look back to see the animated Gandalf and the animated Balrog duking it out. The wizard wriggles out of its grasp and smacks the bridge with his staff)

Gandalf: You… shall not… pass‼

(The Bridge breaks underneath them! Gandalf falls with the Balrog!)

Gandalf: Oh, Orc-poopies! Aaaaaaaaargh‼

(The Fellowship continue through the woods of Lothlórien)

Frodo: (Sounding tearful) I wish the Monty Python had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened!

Aragorn: (Cuts in on narration) Hmmf, guess I’d better take over the narration! We found shelter at the woods of Lothlórien, where we met Lady Galadriel, who narrated the Prologue of this crazy story.

Galadriel: The quest stands upon the edge of a knife.

(In the continuing animation, Frodo is hopping about painfully on the edge of a knife and squealing)

Frodo: Ah! Eek! Ooh! Ah! Sharp knife! Ow! Yeek!

(Next, the Fellowship head down the Great River in boats)

Aragorn: (Narrates) Yes, well we continued on by Elf-canoe on the River Anduin – at least, until we reached the Falls of Rauros…

(The boats fly off the edge of the waterfall)

Fellowship: Aaaaaaaaargh‼

Aragorn: (Narrates) It’s just as well that part was only a cartoon! Anyway, to wrap up this first instalment of the Trilogy…

(An animated montage shows key elements as Aragorn continues. The Fellowship theme plays fast and dramatic, with undertones in the style of the Dick Barton theme)

Aragorn: (Narrates very quickly) Boromir felt that he should be the one to go into Mordor instead of Frodo – possibly, he had designs on the false Grail himself – anyway, it led to Frodo abandoning the Fellowship, accompanied only by Sam who refused to be parted from him. Meanwhile, Saruman sent out a raiding party to capture the Hobbits for reasons best known to himself and Boromir was shot trying to save Merry and Pippin. Left with only my friends Legolas and Gimli, I felt the best thing to do was to save them.

(Aragorn’s hand rips the animation off the screen to reveal himself and his two friends standing on the river’s edge. Screwing up the page with the animated imagery on it, Aragorn turns to them)

Aragorn: So, my friends… let’s hunt some Orc!

(Gimli glances at Legolas. Legolas grins)

Gimli: Yes‼

(The Three Hunters head off. Meanwhile, elsewhere, Frodo stands looking out towards Mordor with Sam at his side)

Frodo: Will we reach Mordor? Will we ever defeat Sauron? Will the others find a safer road? And will we ever see them again?

Sam: We may yet, Mr Frodo.

Frodo: I’m glad you’re with me.

(The Hobbits head into the distance as the screen fades to black)